also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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