Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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