Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
