you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
