Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
