my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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