So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
