I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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