We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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