Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
