She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
id be glad to
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i wish my penis had a tongue
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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