he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
