think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
