please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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