My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
