I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
