then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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