She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
ok first of all what the fuck
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
