No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
