apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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