K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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