Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
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