Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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