Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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