Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
