My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
