my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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