it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
