i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
