I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize