It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
