Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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