He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
