his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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