my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
