I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
tell me about the fingering
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