In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
