no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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