you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
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