I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
