Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
