You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I touched a dick in church today
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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