I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
