he wants to bone in the snuggie
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
