Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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