Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
