i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
