i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
