I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
