my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
