Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
