He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
