pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
