Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize