Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
