Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's official drugs can't kill me
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize