So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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