i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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