Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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